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And finally, finally these young men experience some sort of religious turmoil or crisis as a result of this. These young men have often been extremely devout, and they are hurt and wounded and wondering, “Why have my prayers gone unanswered? Why when I needed it the most has the gospel not been there and saved me from this problem?” Some lose their testimonies and leave the Church; some become ultra-orthodox and try very, very hard; and some switch back and forth, but some level of religious crisis or turmoil. That pattern is almost universal.

Can you see why a young man who is emotionally sensitive, introspective, and wants to be good, gets caught up in that pattern? It is the introspective young man who over-interprets what's happening to him and focuses on it incessantly. It is the young man who wants to be good, who loathes and hates himself because he is not. It is the young man who is emotionally sensitive, who isolates himself because he cannot bear the thought or the pain of anyone else knowing about this problem. And so he shields himself from all kinds of intimate relationships, or from those who might help him.

I want to review that pattern for you real fast: “I felt different from or rejected by other men. I focused on other men because of envy, wanting to belong, or fascination and curiosity. I hit adolescence when I was strongly and easily aroused by all kinds of different emotions and feelings. I was having strong emotional responses to men, and so I focused on men more and more and became aroused by them. When that happened, I over-focused and over-interpreted. I hated myself because of it. I isolated myself socially and emotionally and kept it a secret. I developed some sort of compulsive sexual behaviors to medicate all of this pain, and I developed some sort of religious crisis or turmoil in my life.”

Now the question is, how do these men change? What helps them change? Men who are successful at overcoming this problem do so by reversing those last five things that I talked about. They stop over-focusing and over-interpreting. They stop making it the center of their life. They thought that it was a good thing to focus on it so much--I mean, if you've got a problem, if you've got a difficulty, if you've got a sin, you should worry about it and think about it and focus on it. It doesn't work. What works is to leave it alone.

I talked to these young men and use a metaphor that often rings true to them; I say, “When people begin this battle, they think it's going to be like this: There's a terrible dragon over here. He has caused untold pain and misery in my life. I must kill him. So I draw my sword and I go to do battle, and he knocks me down, and I knock him down, and we fight and we fight and we fight and it's a terrible battle, but finally, because I'm so valiant and so diligent, I get a couple of good blows in, I drive my sword into his heart, and he goes down, and I collapse in exhaustion, covered with dirt and mud and blood and sweat, but victorious.” That's how they picture this happening; that's how they've been trying to do it.

It doesn't work. Those who are successful would describe it this way: there's a terrible dragon over there; he has caused untold pain and misery in my life. I draw my sword, he lunges at me, I hold him back. I back up a little bit, I back up some more, I back up some more and keep backing up and finally I turn and walk from him, and I walk and I walk and I keep walking, and the farther I walk, the smaller he becomes on the horizon until he becomes irrelevant in my life. He just doesn't anymore.

Might seem logical to us, but to a young man who is very perfectionistic and introspective, some of them just can't stand that thought. Remember my first client? “Can you promise me if I do this, I will never have any of these feelings ever again?” They want it gone completely, vanquished, completely destroyed. They cannot tolerate any of it in their life, and it simply keeps them there, fighting the dragon. I joke with these men when they come back in for counseling and they've worried about it and they've relapsed and they've had these difficulties. And I've said, “You've had your nose in the dragon's armpit again, haven't you?” “Yeah, I have. I have. I just can't leave it alone.”

They need to get on with their life, they need to stop putting their life on hold. Many of them have put their life on hold spiritually, academically, socially, in their careers or other things, waiting to solve this problem. “I can't really move ahead with my life until this problem is taken care of, and I can't tell anyone about this problem.” And so they're stuck and they need to move on, simply move on with their life. Stop making it such an intense focus. They give up self-loathing, they stop hating themselves, they stop focusing so much on themselves. They become focused on other people, they develop more compassion, more caring for others, and they develop not what I would refer to as high self-esteem--I'm not sure on how comfortable I am with that--it looks more like self-forgetfulness, or perhaps the gospel virtue of hope.

To focus on themselves is they hope and have a belief in the redemption of Christ and stop trying to earn their way into heaven. They give up the isolation and secrecy; they tell significant people in their life. It is not necessary nor helpful to tell lots of people, but tell a handful of significant people, usually parents or a spouse, a bishop, a counselor, maybe some close friends, so that somebody else knows and they can talk to someone else about that. This act alone is incredibly agonizing for so many of them, and yet incredibly liberating. They say, “I cannot believe people could respond so positively to me. I cannot believe they still care about me or love me or like me.” They were quite sure they would be rejected because they have rejected themselves so long. They develop healthy, non-sexual relationships with other men and women and become more socially comfortable, more open and honest, more direct, more caring. They overcome compulsive sexual behaviors, and for some this is the greatest and most difficult thing they have to do, overcoming these compulsive sexual behaviors and leaving them behind. And many of them, it's similar to the dragon story: they've been going about it wrong their whole lives.

They've been feeling so terrible about themselves--I've never met a man who successfully hated himself out of homosexuality or compulsive sexuality, never. In fact, the ones who hate themselves the most are universally the ones who are most stuck.

And finally in this series of overcoming, they experience some kind of a spiritual or religious rebirth. Universally these men, when they are successful, attribute it to having been spiritually born again. I tell my clients, “Your goal has got to be nothing more or less than to be born again through the Holy Ghost and to have the desire for evil removed from you.” Now the question comes up, “Well, that's great; I've been praying for that. So can't we just skip to that part and forget all the stuff about getting on with my life and not focusing and stop hating myself and learning to love other people and being honest and open and overcoming the compulsive sexual--let's just skip to the born-again part and we'll be done with it.” It doesn't work, doesn't work. Those elements prepare them for that final step in overcoming. It softens their heart, opens their understanding, increases their compassion and their humility.

Many men say, think to themselves, “Can I possibly be saved in spite of this problem?” And my firm believe is that many of them will at one point say, “No. But I was saved because of this problem. This was the problem that drove me to my knees, that humbled me, that made me realize that I stand redeemed or I do not stand at all.” And I have talked to men who have said to me, “I wouldn't trade this problem, what it has taught me, how it has helped me.” Men who struggle with this issue are often men who in their adolescent and early years, are men who understand the part of the gospel that says, “Obey. Keep this commandment. Don't do this, don't do that. Repent. Be good. Be outstanding. Be perfect.” They get that part of the gospel; that just sinks into them, and they get it. It's an important part of the gospel, and boy, they get a hundred percent there. They understand it completely.

But the part of the gospel that talks about redemption, atonement, unconditional love, being born again, the love of the Savior--that confuses them. They don't really understand it. They don't really get it. They could give a great sacrament meeting talk on it, because they're very bright and they know how all the words fit together. But in their hearts, that part of the gospel confuses them. Many of them are men who think to themselves or who seem to view it as though, “I can accept the atonement of Jesus Christ after I've repented and overcome this and left all this alone. After I've done this, then I can accept the atonement to kind of clean up the mess I made along the way. But not right now, not while I'm so bad. I've got to overcome this on my own, and then the atonement is available to me.” It's the equivalent of saying, “I can accept the atonement as soon as I prove I don't need it, as soon as I prove I don't need it.”

It's interesting, many of these men have struggled for years with spiritual perfectionism, wanting to be perfect spiritually. And I tell them, there are two possible errors or problems or disasters that deal with spiritual perfectionism: the first is that I'm going to have myself because again and again I'm going to fail to be perfect spiritually. I'm going to loath myself. That's a terrible thing to endure: hating myself because I can't be perfect. The second error that can happen as a result of spiritual perfectionism is worse than the first, and it's that, “I believe I've achieved it. I believe that somehow I was able to do it. I believe that sure, everybody needs the atonement, but I need it a little bit less than most. I've done pretty good, I've done pretty good.”

And I have wondered--I don't know--but I have wondered if some of these men who struggle with this issue are not such men of such intelligence and talent and devotion and feeling that were it not for this difficulty, they might be in danger of that second error, of believing they had achieved it. But right into the middle of their high achieving, outstanding lives drops this terrible problem. I sometimes say to clients, “If I had a pill in my drawer here that would make this problem go away, I wouldn't give it to you.” They'll look at me, like, “What? What do you mean?” And I'll say, “I think our Father in Heaven has a pill like that in his drawer, and I'm guessing you've asked him for it.” “Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.” “And I'm guessing the answer was no.” “Yeah, it was.” I tell these men our Father in Heaven seems to be stingy with taking this problem away from people, with taking it away, but seems to be magnificently generous in showing them what the very next step is for them, what the very next thing they need to be doing when they humbly and consistently ask.

But that change of these patterns is difficult. It is possible, I have seen many men do it and move on with lives that are filled with happiness and joy, but it is not easy. It is a difficult trial. They are in the same position that you and I are in: they must rely on our Father in Heaven and the atonement of Jesus Christ, or they will not be successful. But they have to change the way they think about it, they have to change their perception of what living the gospel means, because simply hating themselves and striving so diligently hasn't worked for them, but understanding mercy and moving away from these behaviors, walking away from the dragon, seems to be successful and has been for many, many men.

We're out of time. I appreciate the invitation to be here. Thank you.

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